Chronicles of China

Chapter Three

*may contain details you don’t want to read…
I have four daughters.  Sometimes I say I have three because it is easier, but I always wish I was brave enough to say four.  I’m not brave though.  Sometimes when I talk about her, I cry, and my heart feels like it is being crushed by an anvil.  Other times I can’t stop the smile that brightens up my face, and my heart feels like it has wings, and I fly away to see her.

Her name is Chloe Michelle.

We gave Gracie her middle name, and there is something really special about knowing that Gracie will always have a part of the big sister she never got to meet.  You see, when Chloe was just shy of four months old, she died in her sleep.  I found her, lips and feet blue, lying on her stomach.  As I began CPR on my dead baby, with tears streaming and heart pounding, everything faded away except for her.  I called out to God, begging Him to breathe life back into her small body.  I believed He could do it.  He could save her.  But He didn’t. He had a different plan than the one I thought was best.  They called it crib death, or SIDS, and assured me there was nothing I could have done.  But I was her mama, so of course I always wonder if I could have changed it.

It’s been twelve years since I was given Chloe to love.  September will be twelve years since I held her last.  I think about her every day.  I wonder things, and I wish I knew answers to questions I have about her.  My heart still breaks, and sometimes I weep with missing her.  Sometimes I will smell something, or hear something, and be instantly transported back to the days when I could hold her and rock her.  Sometimes, I sit, with my hand holding a necklace I wear made of a material that is heavy and warm, given to me in honor of her, and I smile.  I will always have precious memories inside that only she and I share.  Those memories come forward and all I can think is, “I am so lucky”.

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