Chronicles of China

Chapter Four

Sometimes I feel like my world is crashing in…like I can’t take another breath because it means I have to keep living, and I just don’t want to.  I don’t want to.  I want to choose my life.  I want to live in a pretty house with a yard and real grass.  Maybe even some flowers.  I want to drive my own car, with air conditioning, and not have to see kids pee on the bus I’m riding in.  I want to be able to read the ingredients in whatever food I am buying.  I want real milk.  I want to be able to talk to people I meet and not be so afraid that they will talk to me and I will only be able to stare dumbly at them.  I’d really like to never hear another human being spit with such fervor they should be concerned their stomach is going to come unstuck.  I want to stop crying.  I want to be able to laugh and not worry about when the laughter will stop and turn into tears.  I hate crying!  I want friends.  Girlfriends that share their life with me, that I call to go to the store with because we just love to be together.  Friends that I can talk to and never run out of things to say…the kind that forget to watch the clock and end up staying and cooking dinner with me for our families because it’s just easier that way.  I want to go to my church where the hugs are plentiful and the teenagers are awesome.  I want.  I want.  I want.  Then I shake my head and focus on something, Someone, other than myself.  Even though I’d rather not, because it hurts.  Because it’s hard.  He tells me to go.  He tells me to say goodbye and leave all the things I love.  He tells me to love them…the ones I can’t talk to.  He tells me to share Him with them.  He tells me to sacrifice all those things that I want, lay them down, and to follow.  He will bless me.  He will give me all the things I need.  He will fulfill my longings, but even if He chooses not to, I have to hold firm and work anyway.  Because people are dying.  People are living without knowing about Life.  People don’t know about Jesus and will someday be forever separated from Him and spend an eternity in the fiery pits of Hell, and my sinful self is only concerned with how I feel.

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