For the first time in twelve years, I haven’t cried. Yet. At moments, I wanted to…I felt the tears well up in my eyes and my throat start to close. I felt desperation because I didn’t want to explain myself, and I felt hope that no one would notice the shimmer in my eyes that wanted to spillover. I started to think about the last giggle I ever heard and the last book I read to her. I could hear the mower in the background as I laid on the floor with her the last night she lived. We were battling pesky stickers in our yard and Cam had a method to his mowing that almost had him victorious over the hated dried thorns. It was a normal night that I took for granted. I thought we would have thousands more nights just like this one. I could feel her in my arms and smell the sweet strawberry scent of her room. I could see her stretching and smiling and passing a little gas before she fell back to sleep after that 6am feeding. I remembered sitting on her bed after she was gone, staring at her little basket of dirty laundry and lifting up a onesie to simply smell her one more time. As tears made a pathway down my face, and the sun warmed my body, I started singing in a tear broken voice,
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…
If only I had known that night was the last time I would feel her heart beating under my hand and the last time she would ever feel warm and alive. If only we would have known someone was going to come mow our lawn out of kindness and re-spread sticker seeds all over the yard, undoing the hard work Cam put in. Maybe he could’ve spent the sweet moments of Chloe’s last night with her. If only. Twelve years. As I sat this morning with Ellie in my lap, my hand went to her chest where I could feel her heart. As it beat against my palm, the tears threatened again. A little bit out of fear that it, too, may one day stop too early and a little bit because the memories started again. And as the words ran through my mind,
How Great is our God…how great, how great is our God!
I wondered if maybe I don’t always believe He is great. I know twelve years ago, I didn’t think His plan was great. But I know Chloe thinks He is great. And as her mama, how can I wish her away from the presence of our Holy God…the place where my soul longs to be?