The unimaginable happened. My world was rocked to its core, and I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I am living a nightmare.
The phone rang while I was on the back of Cam’s scooter. We took a vacation day to celebrate our “one year of living overseas” anniversary, so we had plans to eat out together and do some Christmas shopping. My first thought was that it was my mom, because we talk every day and that morning I hadn’t heard from her. I knew she had a party to go to, and she was probably just calling to tell me she loves me. Since we were out, the phone was ringing from 3G and service wasn’t good, so I wasn’t going to answer, but it rang again. Then a 3rd time. So, I grabbed my phone from Cam’s jacket pocket and looked. It was my brother.
Weird. He doesn’t call me.
As the phone started to ring, my stomach started to knot.
This can’t be good.
He asked me if I was in a place I could talk. He said reception was bad. I told him I was in the middle of the city, not anywhere near home. He accepted that and told me that Dad needed to talk to me.
As my heart began to race, and worry filled my heart, I knew I didn’t want to hear whatever it was he was going to say.
And I didn’t want to hear it. Life as I knew it had been irrevocably altered. Questions filled my head and heart with what the next step should be.
Should we move back?
Can I get a flight today?
Can this be real?
My heart hurts. My eyes feel like they are full of razor blades and there is a constant pounding in my head. Pretending for those around me that I am okay is too hard. Not letting the tears flow hurts, but I have children and life still continues around me that I must participate in. It feels like the world is spinning…like I can’t get off. I can’t slow it down.
I want to reverse time and prevent what would happen on December 12, 2013. This time of testing is too hard. Being able to hear Him over the emotions screaming in my head is almost impossible. Choosing to have faith and follow Him when I hear Him asking me ,
Do you love ME more than you love your mom?
I’m not sure I can answer the way I know I should. The way He would want me to. The battle is raging and I’m not sure I am winning.