We are nine days from locking our front door and not re-entering for 5 months. There are action packers and suitcases all over my bedroom and chaos in my head. Trying to figure out what to pack and how to pack is overwhelming and the reason for many, many naps in the past month.
In the midst of my life getting packed away, the thoughts that are running through my head have bordered on crazy. I have moments of sadness where I am not ready to leave China. There are so many new possibilities in this new city that I am excited to explore! Then there are moments of fear where I am so scared to be back in America because what if I never want to return to China?! What if everything is different and friendships have changed too much to recognize? What if I am so different that I am unrecognizable?
Yesterday I had a deep moment. Just one. The door opened and I admitted that this life isn’t the life I would have chosen. That nothing about it is what I want except for the part where I am doing what Father tells me to do. I don’t like the furniture in my house. I would never have picked out my kitchen table. I wouldn’t choose to live on the other side of the ocean from the people I love. I certainly wouldn’t have chosen to learn Chinese! There are things that happen where I want to scream, “You are NOT a good, good Father!!” But, because these are the realities in my life, the life that was chosen for me by the One who makes the best, most informed, decisions, I realize that I long for heaven more than I ever have before. I am daily reminded that I was not made for this life, but for eternity. My job is to invite people to the party of worshipping the One True God! If He had given me everything I ever wished for and granted me the life I had dreamed about, would I want to be with Him the way I do now? Would I long for Him?
This morning when I checked Facebook I read an update on my sweet friend’s daughter’s fight with cancer, her words struck me. She wrote out the words to “I Surrender All” and the phrase in the middle that says “worldly pleasures all forsaken” hit me in the face. Daily I have to lay down what I want for what He wants. My sin nature tells me there are better things in life than what He is giving me, but that simply isn’t true. I want to forsake worldly pleasures for eternal ones. I want to want what He wants. He is a good, good Father. ALL the time. I may have to step back, outside my circumstances, to recognize His goodness, but it is always there. Without fail. He is faithful. He is kind. He is loving. He is good.